Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Even though things have been great today, I have had a lot on my mind. I am trying not to think about what negative things the future could possibly hold; sometimes, I just find myself thinking about how bad things might become. It scares me. I have always been someone who has to be in control. I don't like the unknown.. It just makes me extremely uncomfortable. So, I have to remind myself constantly that God knows what he is doing, and he has a plan. While I may not know that plan, he does! I am having to work on one of my biggest weaknesses.. trust! I am having to not only trust in God, but I am having to trust the doctors, nurses, etc.
Through all of this, God has really opened my eyes, and I am being brought back to the relationship I once had with him. In a way, I feel like it is sad that it took something this traumatic to make me realize just how much I had backsliden... but, I feel like God understands. Maybe sometimes it takes getting knocked down completely so that you can get back up again. I am so thankful that my family raised me in church, taught me about God's love, and guided me into having a relationship with him. Without having a strong relationship with God before, I don't think I would be able to feel the way that I do.
This is exactly why I feel it is important that we raise Kamryn in church and teach her in the ways of the Lord. In one of my earlier blogs, I posted about feeling led to turn my radio to the Christian radio channel. Well, about 3 weeks ago, I felt the same way. I had just talked to one of my friends/boss at the nursery about everything. She has been so helpful through all of this and has been through a very similar situation. It is truly amazing how God works. I feel like he crossed our paths for a reason. While we were talking, she was telling me that God understands when you feel upset. He is always there. At the time, I was so confused. We didn't have a diagnosis for Kamryn yet, and I just couldn't understand why God had put someone so innocent and perfect (Kamryn) in a situation that was so horrible. I felt so confused, mad, and weak. Well, I had been asking God to please just let me know that he was there. When I turned my radio, "Strong Enough" by Matthew West was playing. I felt like it was God's way of telling me that he was there. If you listen to the song, I think that you would definitely agree. This song is so amazing, and it is great to listen to when you feel like you aren't "strong enough."